hello i'm still here all that's left of yesterday

5am is my hour of la verdad... When I'm faced with the possibility of a serious relationship, there's a part of me that takes a serious look at my situation. I wish I were so easy-going and fun as when I was younger, but that just isn't me any longer... Here is the stream of consciousness I go through during this situation...

I am trying to figure out what is predomiately consuming me. Fear or love. Since I'm questioning, it's more likely to be fear, because true love has no doubt.

In one way, it feels good to be challenged... In another way, I want to return to my holding pattern where it felt so safe and predictable to be flying around circles. My present truth is that I can no longer stay here. It's time to move to higher ground.

There are so many definitions of love, but the one that has resonanted with me for the last 13 years has been Richard Peck's definition which I picked up in my sophomore high school religion class.
"Love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth...
Love is an action, not some amorphous feeling, some gooey confection...
Love is directed both towards oneself and another...
Love has intent, intent not just to bask in the glow, or for that matter, wallow in the muck but love meaning intent to grow, to learn...
And love that focused on spirit, on the deep self, the deepest places in another."
(Richard Peck, A Road Less Travelled)


Those embittered and heartbroken battle with two opposing viewpoints internally when they are present with an opportunity to let someone into their lives.

There's the idealist:
Someone wants to love you. Someone wants to see you grow and bloom and nurture you.

There's the cynic:
Someone wants to use you. Someone wants to use you for their own growth and not yours.

One view is seen as lofty... nothing but a dream because you've hardly witnessed anything remotely close to it. The other seems more real because it's what's been played out in your life... and it's the kind you've habitually dished out your entire life. The kind you are trying to have nothing to do with anymore.

When you vow to live a conscious life, you are burdened with a great responsibility. I falter in keeping this promise to myself and my higher power on a regular basis. I struggle with the path set before me. Thoughtless action is no longer an acceptable form of behavior. I struggle with this responsibilty. I struggle with staying present and being held accountable for what I say and do. I falter, fall... fail... but then, I pick myself up, rise to my feet and continue down the path once again. This is my life.

So, I see the possibility of a new relationship as a call to adventure. A challenge. This year for me isn't one of complacency or escape. That was so two years ago. It's now about vigor...making a lot of mistakes and learning from them. I'm taking up something very hard; it's not for the weak-hearted. So, my questions for you are: Are you in my way or does your path run parallel to mine? If you are seeking a relationship to feel better about yourself, then this is not it.

Romance has typically been an escape from reality for me, and I've been on too many long breaks in my life as far as I'm concerned. We can decide how involved our friendship will be. I'm not going to like everything about you. You might hate some parts of me. I'm going to fuck up and occassionally be rude and inconsiderate. You probably will too. I will get hurt, and you will experience some pain too. That's really what I'm proposing when I say I want to be friends. Now, you know, and you have to decided if this is the kind a nutcase you want to be dealing with... and I still have no clear understanding of what you're looking for, so until you share, I have to wait to figure out if you're the kind of nutcase I want to be spending my time with.