Decisions.. Decisions.. Decisions

SIGH! You know, I just learned that while it's great to have choices, it can be a bitch to make a decision. I am so tired of considering what will be best for me... what do I really, really want, and what will fundamentally make me happy in the long run. Fundamentally, I'm tired of thinking about myself.

So far, I've made one huge, HUGE decision of my life, and it was one where I decided not to move to Santa Fe, New Mexico for massage school. Last Wednesday, I had this existential crisis while reading Milne's book, Heart of Listening, and I had this sudden desire to go to Santa Fe. I got all the balls rolling: admissions, finance, and even housing, and within one day, I had myself set up to move.

Then, I started thinking about what trigger this event, and I realized that I was trying to run away from my fears and problems... and well, that's no way to live life.

I have decided to stay. I have the opportunity to have everything I've ever dreamed of here, and though it's going to be hard, tremendous work, it will be especially satisfying to have things fall into place. I have a sense that I won't be reaping the benefits for another two years though. Talk about making long term decisions!

My family was the main consideration. I fundamentally have been living alone and unsupported for the last few years. I have family in the Bay Area, but have not spent any significant time with them. When I went to New York and hung out with NYJuan's family, I found myself envious of the close bond they had and the strong sense of support there was. It intrigued me to see a family that sought out to be with each other on a regular basis. NYJuan's family hang out with each other even when there isn't a special event such as a birthday or holiday, and I realize that I want to have that sort of connection in my life.

I went to visit my mom's side of the family in Orange County over the 4th of July weekend. From that experience, I learned that I did not want to live in such an atmosphere. I don't know if it's a byproduct of having teenagers or such a large house, but there was a lot of yelling going on and that stressed me out. There was also some underlying tension at the house that I was uncomfortable with. I don't want to be there without my mother again. It was too stressful without her around.

Anyway, my point is that if I had to choose between which dynamic I want for my family, I (obviously) would want a situation more like NYJuan's then what I saw in OC. I don't have that right now, but I gather that it takes some time to build something like that and that's one of the things I want to work on.