thirty pounds in a twenty pound sack...

Hehehe. The title is actually a line from a story in an erotica anthology that I own...

Anyway, that's how I see myself. I'm overweight. I'm curvy. I have a love/hate relationship with my body. Deep down, I don't like my body shape... and I'm beginning to understand that my weight is a defense mechanism against the criticism of my mother.

I'm scared to lose my weight. I'm scared about not having that to hide behind... to protect myself from her. A few moments of her lecturing to me is enough to make me want to put out my light, and it's a struggle to reconnect to my will to live.

I don't like that I don't like my mother. I wish it were different, but it's hard to be forgiving all the time. I have these walls erected because of her.

hello i'm still here all that's left of yesterday

5am is my hour of la verdad... When I'm faced with the possibility of a serious relationship, there's a part of me that takes a serious look at my situation. I wish I were so easy-going and fun as when I was younger, but that just isn't me any longer... Here is the stream of consciousness I go through during this situation...

I am trying to figure out what is predomiately consuming me. Fear or love. Since I'm questioning, it's more likely to be fear, because true love has no doubt.

In one way, it feels good to be challenged... In another way, I want to return to my holding pattern where it felt so safe and predictable to be flying around circles. My present truth is that I can no longer stay here. It's time to move to higher ground.

There are so many definitions of love, but the one that has resonanted with me for the last 13 years has been Richard Peck's definition which I picked up in my sophomore high school religion class.
"Love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth...
Love is an action, not some amorphous feeling, some gooey confection...
Love is directed both towards oneself and another...
Love has intent, intent not just to bask in the glow, or for that matter, wallow in the muck but love meaning intent to grow, to learn...
And love that focused on spirit, on the deep self, the deepest places in another."
(Richard Peck, A Road Less Travelled)


Those embittered and heartbroken battle with two opposing viewpoints internally when they are present with an opportunity to let someone into their lives.

There's the idealist:
Someone wants to love you. Someone wants to see you grow and bloom and nurture you.

There's the cynic:
Someone wants to use you. Someone wants to use you for their own growth and not yours.

One view is seen as lofty... nothing but a dream because you've hardly witnessed anything remotely close to it. The other seems more real because it's what's been played out in your life... and it's the kind you've habitually dished out your entire life. The kind you are trying to have nothing to do with anymore.

When you vow to live a conscious life, you are burdened with a great responsibility. I falter in keeping this promise to myself and my higher power on a regular basis. I struggle with the path set before me. Thoughtless action is no longer an acceptable form of behavior. I struggle with this responsibilty. I struggle with staying present and being held accountable for what I say and do. I falter, fall... fail... but then, I pick myself up, rise to my feet and continue down the path once again. This is my life.

So, I see the possibility of a new relationship as a call to adventure. A challenge. This year for me isn't one of complacency or escape. That was so two years ago. It's now about vigor...making a lot of mistakes and learning from them. I'm taking up something very hard; it's not for the weak-hearted. So, my questions for you are: Are you in my way or does your path run parallel to mine? If you are seeking a relationship to feel better about yourself, then this is not it.

Romance has typically been an escape from reality for me, and I've been on too many long breaks in my life as far as I'm concerned. We can decide how involved our friendship will be. I'm not going to like everything about you. You might hate some parts of me. I'm going to fuck up and occassionally be rude and inconsiderate. You probably will too. I will get hurt, and you will experience some pain too. That's really what I'm proposing when I say I want to be friends. Now, you know, and you have to decided if this is the kind a nutcase you want to be dealing with... and I still have no clear understanding of what you're looking for, so until you share, I have to wait to figure out if you're the kind of nutcase I want to be spending my time with.

Do you ever get over the loss?

I'm lonely. I'm lonely in the way that company wouldn't assuage me.

I would be lying if I said that I have completely stopped thinking of Eli. It's been over three years now, and he still pops in my mind once awhile. The subject of him comes up mostly when I'm pondering my relationships with men. Sometimes, I'm concerned that I'm not over Eli, but I don't really think that's the issue. It was just that that relationship was the one that had the greatest effect on who I am as a person now, and part of me is still reeling from how much one person can affect your world.

I racked my brain around that relationship trying to figure out what went wrong and what I could have done to make it work. It makes me dizzy to think about it, so I don't do it so much anymore. I've taken responsibility for my part in the success and failure of the relationship, and I think that's all you can do. Anyway, I can't be sure of anything because I think I need more than one perspective to really get to the truth. So, I just settle and try to think of the positive things.


One of the things that I have a hard time getting over was just how sweet he was on me and how much in love I was with him. It's been a long time since I felt that level of passion and intimate connection with another person. I really did feel like I couldn't live without him, and I believe it was the same way for him.

Anyway, it was for the best that we parted. I need someone who is less short-tempered and willing to communicate in the matter I like to. I feel it's important to use "I" statements to minimize blame and approaching the interaction with the intent to deepen the connection and not to be right. Compassion is a quality I seek in men now; the ability to imagine being in another's shoes is important to me.

"I love my husband more than my children."

This woman wrote this in an article in the New York Times, and all the mothers in the nation just went up in arms in horror at her statement. It seems like her words were misunderstood. That all those people who react in such a way took her words to an extreme.

I have the belief that the thing children really, really thrive with in their lives to become is love and stability. Not doting.. Not overwhelming busy schedules packed with activities. Stability. And, in order to have this, my relationship with my husband is the cornerstone of this home.

I hope that when I have kids I will be able to manage my relationship with the little ones and my relationship with my husband. But, I think the priority relationship should be with my husband. I don't want to be one of those women who no longer has sex with their husbands because all their energies are focused on their kids. When the kids are all grown up, I hope to have him still around. I hope to not have to go through a divorce because that relationship had been neglected.

I think it's possible to raise children who are secure, compassionate, and capable of living their lives independently in this world, but not have to dote on them. My theory is that this can occur by setting the example of balance in your life and demonstrating how you cultivate this loving, dedicated relationship with your spouse in your life. I believe that the soccer moms of the nation are creating self-centered, dependent children who when they go off on their own will crash and burn in the real world because they lack the skills to self-monitor themselves.

Blasphemy

So, I grew up in a "Don't ask, don't tell" kinda environment. You didn't ask questions lest you wanted to get your ass whooped, so I didn't bother questionning my environment. Actually, I think I have always been kinda sheltered, and in some cases, in survival mode.

Anyway, we, Catholics, got us a new pope. It was cool watching the news, listening to the newscasters try and figure out if the smoke was white or black, then having the bells ring, and reporters state the obvious. "We have a new pope." No shit! Really? Is that why the bells are ringing? Anyway, I admit that I got caught up in it. It was exciting to see all the people congregate in St. Peter's Square. For a moment, I felt like I was part of a larger community, but then, the old man came out and I remembered that I'm not so much a Catholic as I used to be. It was anticlimatic.

Today, I was just driving home and I just started thinking to myself that I don't really believe that Jesus was the Son of God. I just think he was an exceptional human being. I would even call him a prophet. He was undoubtably an amazing person. But, the Son of God, I am not sure of that.


Then, I started thinking that maybe Mary wasn't a virgin. She probably just got knocked up by Joseph. Sheesh, I'm 28 years old and I just started wondering this. Just goes to show you what 12 years Catholic school can do to you. Imagine if I had gone throught 4 years of Jesuit University!

Pleasure to meet you again...

So, I've started to go dancing again. I haven't been really in the scene for about 8 months. Back in August, I burnt out badly and tired of the scene and dancing, and it became a rarity for me to go out.

Well, I'm going to NYC for the first time in a couple of weeks and my best friend, Melissa, has it all planned out. We'll probably be dancing every night for all I know. I didn't want to go to New York cold, so I've started going out last Sunday. Then, Monday, I went to my old dance company's rehearsal to get inspired, and I was. Last night, I danced at GlasKat and had a blast. Last night was so good for me that I think I'm getting reacqainted with my salsa addition.

Actually, it wasn't the salsa that did it. My friend, Rodney (strictly platonic!), was teaching Bachata to the club goers last night, and he used me to demonstrate the follower's part. Well, Bachata is a Dominican Republic dance and it's reminiscent of Merengue and Argentine Tango. What!?!? Yeah, you read right! When done right, Bachata is reminiscent of Merengue and Argentine Tango. Actually, I think the music is more like Merengue than the dancing is. Merengue and Bachata music have that similar Carribean island sound, but the feeling of the dance is very close and intimate like Argentine Tango. In both dances, you pretty much dance in an intimate embrace... and so, out of an hour lesson with Rodney, I was hugged for about half the class. Man, hugging is awesome therapy. I love hugging. I love dancing. I love Bachata because it's hugging and dancing at the same time! LOL!

Inquiry

Someone asked me this question: "Which relationship would you rather have? The one with your booty call or the one with Eli before times got bad?"

Are you kidding me? That's the easiest f**kin question ever. Definitely Eli. He was a great salsa leader, lover and friend. Too bad things had to get all psycho in the end. That definitely spoiled it all.

The booty call is simply just not enough.

into the woods

"I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately,
to front only the essential facts of life,
and see if I could not learn what it had to teach,
and not, when I came to die,
discover that I had not lived."

- Henry David Thoreau

Last weekend, I was feeling really odd, unbalanced. I mean, I had some cool experiences during that time, but by Sunday afternoon, I was in a bit of a rut... so, I decided to take a hike in the woods and found myself on the north end of the San Bruno Mountains walking down a paved fire trail. I didn't get very far. It was cold, but I went deep enough to find a bench underneath the eucalyptus trees to rest on and listen to the wind rustle the leaves.

It just so happen that this part of the regional park is a few blocks away from where my ex-love, Eli, lived. I would say that abode of his represented the better times in our relationship. A peace fell upon me as I layed there... and I found myself feeling grateful. Grateful for having loved and be loved the way we did. Madly. Intensely.

A fairytale come true it appeared to be. It didn't last and it ended quite bitterly, but I feel blessed for having the experience and grateful for the energy Eli put into the relationship... because out of all the relationships in my life, that was the one that defined me the most. My eyes are alot more open than they once were...

If you believed in me...

Oh, it's only a paper moon
hanging over a cardboard sea,
but it wouldn't be make believe
if you believed in me.


I have a dream. I fantasy to love someone so completely and be loved in such a way in return... yet, not have it so consuming... It's possible, but I have yet to find the man who trusts himself and his world completely.

the relationship continuum...

I've been doing the affectionate friends thing for years...and over the years, I've learned that it's something that works for me, but at the same time, it's something sensitive and that needs to be dealt with intellectually. It's extremely important that the communcation lines are open, no assumptions are made, and that each person's respective truths are recognized and respected. These years of experience have helped me develop evolving theories about relationships...and here are some of my latest ideas..

I believe that when it comes to relationships (within heterosexual and homosexual dynamics) there exists a continuum where levels of commitment and intimacy are expressed. Most of my male relationships (past and present) fall into one of these six categories.

Acquaintances: men I know, but don't know about my life
Platonic Friends: men who know the details of my life
Affectionate friends: men who I'm huggy-kissy with
Fully benefitted friends: men who I have sex with, but not exclusive with
Significant other: men who I have an exclusive sexual relationship with
Soulmate: a man who I have a deeply emotional, sexual relationship where our lives are completely entwined.

The categories seem to build upon each other, and the comments noted seems to be the defining factor between that relationship and the one above it. The transition between going from a platonic to a more intimate relationship is usually a pleasant one, and conversely, evolving a relationship into one that is less intimate one is a difficult one.

At least, this is what I'm finding in my real life affair. It's so bizarre how I was an intelligent, SANE, articulate woman before I met this guy, and once I considered being romantic with this young man, I became this irrational, unreasonable, obsessed chick. I don't like who I have become... and I can't figure out if it's just me or this is an outcome of our chemistry.

Even though it's horrid to think you may be the root cause of the dynamic, it's easier because you can actually do something about it... At least, I would like to think that.