The conversation I want to have...

Juan and I are just going to be friends now. I'm adjusting to this.

I want to talk to him. I want to say: "Hey, Juan. I wonder if I can ask something of you. I would like to know about your relationship with your ex. I was wondering if you'd be willing to talk to me about it. Would you?"

I want to understand because I feel it may shed some light on why our romantic relationship came to an arrupt end... and I have a belief that it would help him to heal to share with me.

But, knowing myself and knowing the state he is in, those are words that will be left to this page. I will offer an ear, but will never prod a man over a river he isn't ready to cross.

There's no place like...

I'm on vacation visiting my best friend from college. She and her husband moved out to LA and recently found a sweet little house near the beach. I love it. It's quaint, cute, and peaceful.

I like married life. Granted, I'm not quite ready for it, but it's nice. I would love to find someone I'm so compatible with that I can make that committment to spend the rest of my life with them. My friend and her husband are a great match. You can just sense it.

It has been one of those relaxing, do nothing much vacations. It's exactly what I needed. We've had lunch, went exploring on the beach and local pier, watched a movie, ate some more, and took her husband shopping where she and I got to play "personal stylist." That's about it. The best part of this trip has been perusing their library. I started reading some poetry and found some of the most beautiful poems about love I've ever read.

One of them is a poem by Pedro Salinas who puts together this wonderful imagery of the kind of love that is deep and still like the deep waters at the bottom of the sea. Unwavering. Quiet. Still. My favorite line: "Love so interred in its being, so surrendered, so still, that our loving during life feels sure of not ending that when kisses, gazes, gestures cease. As certain of not dying as is the immense love of the dead."

I believe with the right man I will have such a love. I see myself on the road to be quite capable of providing such love and even more important, accepting this love.

I know there is no where to hide.

I have only a few vices in my life, and the thing to note is that I am aware of them. Thus, being aware of them, they really don't work so well anymore as methods of emotional escape. When I indulge, I'm fully aware that I am indulging, but sometimes, you just have to allow for those moments of reprise. Give yourself a break from all the stress in the most guaranteed way.

What's my most guaranteed way? Sharing affection with my old lover. I was out of sorts today... a little broken hearted over Juan... a bit insecure about my attractiveness... and I sought out a kiss to help me put myself back together. Amazing how a soft, lingering, sensual kiss can do that for you. Loving is such a good, good thing.

I felt a little bit sad about it, because it signifies to me that I am moving on... I don't really want to be moving on... but the boy's only six months out of a 4 year relationship and he wants space... time... I understand, but there's that part of me that only hears that he doesn't want me. That little girl inside of me is just so tired of feeling unwanted.

Dear God.

Dear God,

I surrender my life to you... especially, my love life. You definitely can have that. I'm done trying to get things to work out.

Sincerely,
Jane

My heart's respite

It's been a long time since I have enjoyed one man's company in a long, long while... and I've never known such laughter in my life... and such ease in being around someone, so it's been quite a disappointment after a month of bliss to have such joy depart my life in such a sudden fashion.

What? I only get a month of honeymoon phase? Isn't that supposed to last longer? :P

I've been listening to sad songs lately. Songs about love and mostly songs about the unrequited type, and they've been making me mushy on the inside. I've heard these songs before, and I used to love singing them. However, now, the lyrics speak of a pain I have first hand knowledge of, and the thought that reoccurs in my mind is "I never wanted to really understand what this song was about. I never wanted to relate to what it was like to yearn for someone who just is hurting too much to be with you."

So, what have I learned from all this? That's the question I continually return to, and I've learned that someone who fits the description of the man of my dreams does exist, so that gives me hope that what I want isn't unreasonable and that I may find someone else. I've learned that I am a compassionate, loving person in action and not only in theory. Also, in exercising compassion and love, I have gained more faith in God, and that has been the greatest gift of all.

Happy belated birthday to me!

What a day! What a weekend! There was laughter, tears, and dancing, but overall, there was love.
This last birthday has had to be one of the most satisfying birthday celebrations ever. I can't recall the last time I had been surrounded by so many people that I love. Thank you for the time you spent having me in your thoughts. Every txt message, phone call, dance, hug, and kiss did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. You all have touched my heart. I feel blessed!

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."

In the meantime...

So, this budding romance with WC Juan has hit a stumbling block. I'm not exactly sure what he's going through at the moment, but there's the general issue of "What am I doing with my life" that's involved and there's an ex-gf and there's me and there's his business. Lots of stuff to sort through. He's asked for time. He's asked for space.

I'm doing my best to provide him with both, but I have to be honest. I'm nervous. I'm even a little anxious. I feel disconnected from him and I feel sad. I want him in my life and will disappointed if he decided to walk away. The thought that he's struggling is also hard for me, and I wish his hardship would be over soon, so that he can return to being and feeling happy.

Ignorance is not bliss.

"Ignorance is not bliss. It is a form of numbness and emptiness. It is an absence, not a presence. Whenever it exists, it creates a vacuum sealed tightly only by our own fear of the unknown." - Cainer Astrology